I recall waking up one night with a profound sense of fear and heaviness on my chest, stemming from a dream about the fear of being abandoned by everyone I ever loved. This emotional fear manifested physically, though I struggled to explain it at the time. As a counselor, I've come to recognize that addressing my own issues is part of my holistic wellness. I acknowledge that I am broken in many areas, and fixing these areas often requires a lifelong process.
I've learned that you don't truly understand how much you've grown until you're tested in those areas. For me, the fear of being alone was a deep-seated issue that went beyond any individual relationship. This fear was projected onto many of my past relationships, preventing me from fully trusting anyone. It was akin to lifting weights: at first, the pressure is overwhelming, but with persistence and repetition, what once felt heavy becomes lighter.
When it came to relationships, I wasn’t serious about commitment until I met my wife. My reluctance had nothing to do with a desire to be unfaithful; rather, it stemmed from a fear of abandonment. To protect myself, I would either leave the relationship first or sabotage it, driven by the fear that the other person would eventually leave me. At that time, I lacked the emotional intelligence to view life from a different perspective. Consequently, isolating myself seemed like a safer option to avoid potential betrayal.
If you’re reading this and I left you or cheated without an explanation, I apologize. It wasn’t your fault. It took years of self-reflection and emotional growth for me to understand my fears. By examining my past, I recognized a recurring pattern of fear that I could now articulate as “others will leave me.” This fear extended beyond personal relationships to include even my pets.
Looking back, I realize this fear was rooted in my early experiences with my father. His absence and inability to provide the guidance I needed led to a subconscious fear that others would do the same. I harbored resentment towards him for many years, feeling that his absence contributed to my fears and numerous trial-and-error experiences.
However, I've accepted that my reality is what it is. I’ve come to understand that my father may not have been equipped to guide me in avoiding life's unpredictability. I now see that my experiences, including those with my father, were designed to help me become the father and mentor I always wanted to be. My Supreme Father crafted my path so that I could offer guidance and support to others, particularly children who aspire to do better but may lack direction.
My message is this: if life seems difficult, it’s not about life itself but how you perceive it. Life isn’t inherently good or bad; it simply is. We apply labels based on our understanding and experiences. By exploring the origins of these definitions, we have the power to rewrite them and create our own happiness.