Unresolved Abandonment

I recall waking up one night from a dream concerning a fear that everyone I ever loved was going to leave me. I woke up with a physical heaviness on my chest that stemmed from my emotional fear yet I couldn’t readily explain the cause of this fear. As a counselor, being mindful of my holistic wellness sometimes allows me to do my own therapeutic work. I am broken in many areas and fixing these areas may require a lifestyle/life long process. I often share with my clients and others that you never know how much you’ve grown until you’ve been tested in that area. For me, the fear of being alone was a deeper rooted issue within me, more so than any relationship I have ever entertained. Evidently there was a fear in my mind that I projected into many of my past relationships which didn’t allow me to trust anyone fully. At the time, this fear was very strong. To me, addressing any fear is like lifting weights. In the beginning you may struggle under the pressure but with repetition the weight that was once heavy becomes lighter. The more time I spend inspecting and facing my fears, the stronger I become and eventually conquer it.

When it came to relationships, I was never serious about being committed until I met my wife. It had nothing to do with me desiring to be an adulterous man, though often times it was misconstrued that way. It was more so associated with the fear that the other person was going to leave me. In order to protect myself from that fear, I left the relationship first or found some way to sabotage it in order to avoid the fear of being abandoned. In the early phases of my journey this was just something I did without rhyme or reason. I didn’t possess the emotional intelligence that I have today and I wasn’t able to look at life from any other lens. As a result it was a lot easier to stay to myself and isolate to avoid such betrayal because the fear of the experience created unpredictable outcomes. So if you’re reading this and I cheated on you or left without an explanation… I apologize… it wasn’t your fault.

Over the years I developed the ability to be mindful of my emotions and physical feelings. I was able to spend time with the events of my dream and fears associated with it. I inspected my past experiences and saw a pattern of fear that I was now able to articulate as “others will leave me” in almost every relationship I had, including the ones with my pets. It sounds funny to me now but it is true. I could never put my finger on the issue until I became emotionally mature to understand it. This fear was rooted in my subconscious mind after many years of not wanting to face it which is why it became mysterious. This fear originated as early as I can remember and it was associated with my father. I discovered that my father was the first love I never had and I felt he abandoned me. He wasn’t there the way that I needed him and as a result I subconsciously feared that others would do the same.

I held a strong resentment toward him for many years because his absence fertilized the roots of my fears, explosive temper, and many trial and errors that I felt could have been avoided. However, my life is no longer a would’ve, could’ve, should’ve situation. My reality is what it is and I fully accept it. For all I know my dad may not have been equipped with the ability to guide me on a path free from trial and errors. For the longest I had searched for a surrogate father to give me guidance to avoid the unpredictably of certain life decisions. I have grown to realize that my Supreme Father designed it this way so that I could become the father I always wanted. Not only do I have a passion for being the father I always wanted but I also want to be that mentor/role model for children who desire to do better but may not know how.

My message is this… if life is difficult, it has nothing to do with life itself but rather how you perceive it. Life isn’t good or bad… it just is! We subscribe our most comfortable labels to reality as we understand it. Explore the source of your definitions and rewrite the meaning so that you can create your happiness